I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

I thought it would be a great idea to do a recipe post about one of my favorite Guy Fieri-ish dishes in St. Louis, the hot salami queso that Gioia’s puts on their Hilly Cheesesteak special. People love queso, Spencer. They love hot salami. This is a home run. You’re a winner.

I still think this post was a good idea, but what wasn’t a good idea was planning it for 10 AM the day after a meal at Twisted Tree Steakhouse with Gioia’s owner and Hulk-sized human Alex Donley.

Twelve hours before getting to Alex’s house, we were wrapping up a dinner that left me breathing and sweating like Tony Soprano. Onion rings. T-ravs. Way too much salad (that is a thing, apparently). Prime rib. A potato the size of a newborn. Cake. Ice cream.

(This feels like the kind of post the local news will highlight when I drop dead and people wonder how such a strapping young buck couldn’t make it to 35…)

But I do this for you. So does Alex.

We made a crockpot full of hot salami queso—and a Spicy Daggett variation—because we just want you guys to be happy. Think about how popular you’re going to be at all your winter potlucks and holiday parties when you bring in this semi-liquid version of St. Louis’ favorite sandwich! You’ll be the champ of your Super Bowl party. For the full Gioia’s experience, get yourself some bread from Fazio’s and make some crostini out of it. Brush it with garlic butter if you and your guests are wearing Depends.

If you really want to push the boundaries, I think you should make this then pour it in a terrine mold, refrigerate it, and then slice it for a charcuterie board. We all know the Velveeta will hold its shape…unlike us and our soft, squishy bodies.

You can stop by Gioia’s and order literally any of this from them right at the counter, but feel free to go to the grocery and pick up your favorite pickled jalapenos, coppa, and so on. For hot salami, just tell them you need a log for hot salami queso. They’ll hook it up.